omg
ok so the start of everything:
one night about 4-5 years ago, my cousin (16) and I (17) were playing some random Roblox game, I have no clue what it was but I think it was a tycoon. as we were playing, you know how there is always someone who wants to be annoying and bombing ur shit and attacking you while they wait for their tycoon money to load up or whatever tf, well that was obviously happening to me and my cousoin. I normally ignore that and just stay inside my tycoon spot or whatever but for whatever reason this time, I chose not to. my cousin was typing in the Roblox chat with some guy and if I remember correctly, they were arguing so of course I did the only logical thing and started arguing back with them. then 2 more people joined in and were joking around rather then arguing. my cousin and I stopped talking to whoever tf and started talking with the 2 other people who joined in. we were all giggly and having fun for awhile so the 2 people (guys might I add) asked us for our snapchats after we made sure that they weren't like creepy old men or literal children. I will be the first to admit this was not a safe thing to do and do not recommend anyone to follow my actions and I do not condone giving out contact info to randoms on the internet. do as I say, not as I do. lmfao. anyway, once on snapchat, we made a group chat with all 4 of us and talked for awhile and did 'face reveals' #cringe discord moment lmao. we all quickly became friends, like actual friends. we added each other on discord eventually, admittedly it took me awhile to be convinced to do that because discord seemed gross and like it was for weirdos. some time passed and we played other games together. such as Fortnite and Minecraft.
This next part I say is very important and extremely crucial to the plot of my life so pay close attention.
the entire time we had been talking to them, they'd been jokingly flirting with us. my cousin would somewhat play into it but for the most part id be like "ew" and joke around but I wasn't actively flirting back 90% of time. to make it more clear, one would flirt with me and the other with my cousin. I would soon find out that the one who'd flirt with me was actually NOT the age I was told he was. NIGHTMARE. WHAT. ok well it wasn't too much of an age difference but I was still confused as to why you'd lie. turns out he was 15 turning 16. him and I are a year and a few months apart so its not as big of a deal as it felt like at the time. there is a period of time where he is 16 and I'm still 17 and so on so forth. I was like 'whatever' to that news even though in my mind it took me awhile to get used to the fact that he's not THAT much younger than me. soon after that, he confessed feelings for me!!!!!!!! [insert vanilla mace wide eyed shocked smile pic here] that shocked me a lot and took me about a day before I started questioning my own feelings. I honestly think I already had been beforehand but not too much. I was in extreme denial for awhileeeeee though. around this same time, I also find out------ hold on--- give it a second to build up suspense because you're going to need it for this very shocking and crazy thing you're about to be told------ HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP, meaning TAKEN, DATING ANOTHER WOMAN, BETROTHED, IN LOVE. girl fuck my fucking life like what the fuck did I do to cause my life to go in that dumbass fucking direction.
so obviously I did not let that continue. I shut that shit down because you'd have to kill me before I willingly become the other woman. he agreed and said he understood. he also went on to eventually explain that his girl has cheated on him multiple times and he's told her that it hurts him but she just kept doing it. that he loves her. girl fucking clearly since you won't leave a girl that's cheating on you all the time but also the fuck do you mean you love her but have feelings for me???????? clearly you don't love her then. but I didn't tell him that because its rude and that's not who I am. [I say as I say it here] anywayyysss he ended up 'confessing' multiple more times throughout the months, telling me every time how he wishes he could date me and how he knows Id be better for him and that id treat him better then his girl and to be a little concealed in myself, I do agree that I would've been a better option. but an option regardless. he'd ask me for advice and I feel like maybe he wanted me to tell him to leave her but I felt like if I were to do that, that it would be so wrong and nasty of me. I didn't want to be the type of woman who's like "leave her so you can be with me" it would just be so icky and id hate myself if I were the reason someone broke up their relationship. I remember telling him at some point when he asked me for advice that I think he should communicate with her and just sit down and have a serious conversation about their relationship and how her actions have been making him feel, etc. he ended up doing just that, then proceeded to let me know that it worked and that they're doing better now and she's agreed to actually stop cheating on him. idk what was said between them but that's what I was told.
of course because I'm such a magical and magnetic silly fun goofy person, he 'confessed' a few more times after that! LOL. obviously shut it down and eventually had to explain to him that he does that every time I've gotten over (or believed at the time that I had) my feelings for him and that he was basically leading me on and that it just sucked to be strung along like that. he agreed and told me that I'm right and that he's sorry and he knows it was leading me on and that he will stop. he actually did and boy did I have my regrets saying anything to him. for awhile I felt like I ruined everything and was getting really down on myself because I wanted to stay friends with him but it was hard after being that vulnerable with each other and stuff. I still feel like our friendship hasn't gone back to the way it was the we first met and I know in hindsight that its probably for the best, but it still felt a little sucky. we went for a few months where we didn't talk at all and that's where I was really regretting saying anything to him because at least he was talking to me. thank god Olivia Rodrigos recent album hadn't been released at that time. this went on for a few years, we'd talk for a little bit and then go a few months of silence and the one of us would text each other and the process goes on. because of something in my brain, every time id text last and then we wouldn't talk for an amount of time, id think it was something said or did, I even convinced myself he genuinely started hating me and wanted nothing to do with me and that we would never talk again for the rest of our life. very dramatic, I know. that's just how my brain works for some reason.
fast forward to now, its been around 4 or 5 years since I've known him. most recently we've been talking and he let me know his girl broke up with him. when I tell you I was SHOCKED. I didn't think they'd ever broke up, I had actually just started recently accepting that they're going be high school sweethearts and that they're going to get married and all this stuff. respectfully I'm happy they broke up. and don't worry this has been talked about with my therapist and she as assured me I'm not an evil nasty mean person for feeling that way. he was in a toxic relationship and i'm allowed to be happy he's out of it. anyways, like I said, we have been talking for a little bit now and I'm so glad. I'm getting nervous it's going to end soon because I'm running out of things to say and I suck at keeping a conversation going. thankfully when words fail, we send memes. back when everything was happening he wouldn't really let me get to know him and it was frustrating to me because he wouldnt even tell me his favorite color. he's say things like clear or the entire rainbow like wow thanks that helps so much. but nowwwwww I've found put we have SO much in common and it actually kind of freaks me out a little bit because I feel like we are the same person. twin flames? soulmates? girl I don't even know. I know it's 'rare' to actually come into contact with either but what if? ya know? even back a few years ago, I felt like we had so much in common even though ill admit, currently I don't know what made me think that. I will say he's a Leo and I'm an Aquarius and they're supposed to go well together. Lizzy mcalpine has a song that says "me and Leos get along great and that has to mean something" and when I tell you that was my song for our friendship. omg. I hope things go good. he's so much fun to be friends with. please send me all well wishes because I need a good friendship.
oh yeah, I've also been contemplating this year. am I in love? with him??? I don't know what being in love would feel like but I know I've never felt the ways I have for him, as I have for anyone else in my life. I don't think I'm in love but what if I am and just don't know it?
okay thanks for reading all that and please feel free to leave a comment on your thoughts and opinions, id love to hear it.
you are loved and I hope this blog post finds you well.
goodbye, adios, aloha
- Justice
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