sisterly love

 these pictures were taken around 2007-2008

they are some of my favorite pictures of us together but also some of the only pictures I have.

My sister and I are 9 years apart. 

I love her so dearly. 

it pains me that we aren't close and that I don't really know anything about her.

  growing up, I remember my sister having lots of problems with our parents. she doesn't know it but in my mind I was always on her side. we don't share a mom, only a not so great father. her mom and our father constantly had problems and my dad had custody of her other than during the summers. I remember one year during the summer when she was going to her moms house, she told me that I wasn't her real sister. oh my god did that really upset me. to me she is as real as it got. when I think of that memory, I think of  Yelena Belova. the scene in black widow where they're all sitting at the dinner table and arguing and talking about all the things that have happened and Yelena has to sit there and hear them all talk about how their family was never real and they were only tasked to be a family. it makes me feel the same as Yelena when she's sitting there about to cry and telling them not to say it wasn't real because it was real to her and its all she knew. they were the only family she had. 

  another memory I have with her is around this time, the age that I am in these pictures, she had been doing my makeup for fun and she so badly wanted to put eyeliner on my waterline like she does for herself but I was so scared that she was going to poke me in the eye because I didn't understand how it worked and I just find it funny that I wouldn't let her do it then, but I do it myself now. 

   a few more memories I have with her is when we lived at my grandfathers house, we shared a room and slept on bunk beds. one night we were supposed to be asleep but she peaked down from the top bunk and scared me, I hit the wall in what seemed like a loud way. here and I giggled and got scared we were going to get in trouble for not being asleep so she then told me to be quiet and we both pretended to sleep. nobody ever came in to yell at us like we thought. 

  another day in that same room with the same bunk bed, she had been sitting on her bed and I was on the floor playing around, I had on some sparkly silver heels that I loved so much. she didn't want me to get up on her bed most of the time but this time, I decided to go anyways. I begin climbing up the ladder only for my heel to get caught on the ladder somehow and I fell off all the way to the floor. I was fine and we both laughed, she told me that's why I don't go to her bunk. 

  the song Ours by Taylor Swift was one that I loved to listen to. I had my cd player and the RED cd. there was one day after school that I had played it and she made me skip it. she never let me listen to the song and it would make me so annoyed. now that she doesn't live with me, I can listen to it all I want. lol. I feel somber saying that. 

  Recently the song Willing and able was released. Noah Kahn has it out for me. that is a fact. 

"oh, we can fight like we used to fight

bony limbed, red faced, and teary eyed

under the glow of the tv light, oh, I wish you could know me

and I wish I could know you much more sometimes

wish I could do nothing with you

sit in the yard while the day dies, leave it all on the table 

and ill say I love you and meant this time 

say im sorry for everything else

if we found a way to the other side, id be willing and able."

my sissy.

ugh

it hurts so fucking bad.

it gets emotional for me because around the time I was in 1st grade, she was 15-16, she got pregnant. she left us and stayed with her mom. I had a niece!!! I love her so much!! I never got to see them though. I saw her when she was first born, then a few times every few years. I miss my sister so bad. I miss my niece too but that doesn't compare to the pain I feel for missing my big sister. it's so unfair that life played out the way it did. I wish everyday that we were closer and got to actually grow up together. there are so many days where I just need my sister and can't have her because we aren't close and barely know each other.  some tears are being shed just typing this out. I really struggle with missing her.

  growing up without her, the problems she had with my/our parents then transferred to me. I don't blame her at all. the abuse passed on to me and is still going on. im in therapy for the trauma its caused and im glad she didn't have to go through it as long as I have. some time probably a year ago, I texted her and vented about everything and all the abuse, she told me she was sorry and didn't know it was still happening and that they treat me like that as well. she told me that everything I told her was sounding familiar and just the same as they treated her. she understood. nothing came from that conversation though. its nice to know she understands but I wish she could come save me. I wish I had an out the way she did. I try everyday to figure out how to get away and have abetter life and nothing is ever successful. it will get better at some point and I have to have that hope. 

  moral of the story, I miss my sister so bad.